I'm no longer writing thank-you notes, and I'm not making my kids do it, either

My daughter and I were sitting at the kitchen table one Saturday afternoon after soccer with a stack of thank-you cards, an address spreadsheet, and a list of gifts she received for her birthday. We were two months late writing them, which already felt wrong. She was frustrated, and I didn't want her to have to do it, either.

Her questioning eyes looked up at me, and she asked, "Why do I have to do this again?"

With no good answer, that moment spotlighted my own angst about writing thank-you cards. I learned they were important at a young age, something you had to do, but the rules around them felt forced and arbitrary: that you had exactly one month to write a thank-you note, for example, or that you couldn't cash a check until you'd sent a thank-you card.

Over the years, especially as a parent, I've struggled with this etiquette and have finally decided not to participate anymore, or make my kids participate, either. It feels liberating.

I learned to write thank-you notes from my parents

As a Gen Xer, shedding the habits of our boomer parents can be hard. There is an undeniable "generational tension" that many of us feel, but we still participate in these practices because of the way we were raised.

I've noticed that I write these cards from a place of "should," and even a place of shame, as these were my family's beliefs. It's an obligation that I'd previously pushed on my two kids, but I'm now rethinking this tradition.

By the time I'm writing my thank-you note, I've said thank you a least a couple of times: in person when I open the gift, and usually in a phone call or a text to follow up. It makes me wonder: how many times do we have to say thank you? When is enough? We can be just as thankful without the expectation of the handwritten note.

I remember being two weeks postpartum, sleep-deprived and half-human, writing thank-you notes to each person who brought meals to our home. Today, this memory makes me angry, as I wasn't inspired by deep appreciation, but by guilt. I wish I could have focused on my newborn and not on writing notes.

I have friends who have family members who care about this etiquette, inquiring when a thank-you card will arrive or why it's late. I've had people in my life cherish the notes I've written, and even go so far as to write me a thank-you card in response to my nice thank-you card! And I secretly love it when someone says writing one isn't necessary. What a relief. The range of attitudes is conflicting and confusing.

There are other ways to express gratitude

Saying thank you can take many forms and shouldn't be prescriptive. There's so much going on in the world that the concept of writing these notes feels outdated to me, even unnecessary. So, yes, I'm pushing back on a standard I don't agree with. I think we should use our precious time and energy to say thank you in whatever way works best for us and our relationships.

Writing a card is great — but so is a call, an email, a video, or a text. We can give thanks in any sincere and meaningful form. I might still write a very occasional note if I feel moved to do so. I might also take a cue from my daughter and make a piece of art and send it as a symbol of my appreciation. The piece of paper doesn't seem as important as expressing our gratitude to the gift-giver.